Try to keep track of all major Holidays so you can celebrate and maintain a level of normalcy when the Apocalypse is in full swing. I strongly suggest that you take the time to decorate your shelter for each holiday so that you can get the group together to sing songs or play games. Alcohol needs to be implemented into this scenario so that you can take the edge off your day, after a few double shifts of splitting ZOMBIE heads you will need to sit back and sip on a glass of spirits to take the edge off. I would recommend that you skip my favorite holiday Halloween due to the confusion that might take place with inappropriate costumes, and accidental deaths just like Bill Murray in ZOMBIELAND.
“TIS THE SEASON TO SPLAT ZOMBIES FA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA ”
Posted: September 5, 2012 in Zombie Days
Tags: Chrysler, Election, Ford, GM, Illegal Aliens, Mitt Romney, Obama, U.S.A., UAW, Union, Vote, Zombie
Mitt Romney just made a public statement today that he is adamantly against ZOMBIES in America, and as for the opposition I understand that he leaning strongly for the integration of ZOMBIES into the American work force to help limit the expense of costly health care that would be forced on the employer. It has been explained to me that Obama has a long term plan to replace at a minimum 22.4% of the middleclass work force with ZOMBIES if he is re-elected. This in his opinion will actually strengthen large companies such as GM, Chrysler, or Ford and will allow for them to cut costs like payroll. I can only assume that Union rules will not apply to the ZOMBIE workforce, I have recently heard one of the UAW Locals is pushing to start a chapter but all the representatives keep getting bitten while taking naps and drinking beer on the mandatory 20 minute break every hour, so progress has been slowed on that front.
REMEMBER WHEN ILLEGAL ALIENS WERE A BIG DEAL IN THE U.S.A.?
I know when ZOMBIES take over this great nation and chaos ensues, we will be safe and sound in Michigan. We the people of Michigan have a savior that will be leading the charge crushing everything in his path with his bare hands and raw aggression. This man will no longer have a undersized man wearing a Footlocker uniform holding him back, and finally he can kick the legs off of anything in his path. This man, the angry beast is known as SUH!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t think of a better person to lead the charge striking fear into the eyes of the undead. I will go as far to say Chuck Norris doesn’t hold a candle to raw power this man can unleash. I can only assume that ZOMBIES will turn on themselves at first sight of him, or run in fear to seek feeble soft targets like Chicago Bears fans.
YOUR FANTASY TEAM IS TRASH WITHOUT SUH STAKING UP THE SACKS
In the near future when everybody in your crew is apocalyptic fit, you know when they look super lean and mean and they have the experience necessary to back you up and are ready to take on hundreds of ZOMBIES at a moment’ s notice just like hard Marines straight out of boot camp. I expect that sometime during all the fighting and carnage eventually someone’s going to get nicked by a ZOMBIE and potentially put the entire crew at risk if not dispatched accordingly. If it were me that got nicked I will argue the “MAGIC JOHNSON APOCOLYPTIC ANGLE” you can say the M.J.A.A. for short. Remember that Magic had HIV and he beat it down fair and square, it appears he is 100% clear and has a clean bill of health. Try to remember this before you do anything hastily like eliminate a quality member. The team has a couple options to consider, they can let the transition from human to ZOMBIE time frame happen in a controlled environment like being handcuffed to a radiator while they wait and see. You never know if you will have the MAGIC “J” DNA and be the key to the survival of the human race. Or you can just spray his brain matter first hint of being infected.
HIV NEVER LOOKED SO POSITIVE WITH MAGIC AS THE FACE
I have a strange feeling that the fast food industry will be responsible for breeding super ZOMBIES in the near future. With the total number of obese citizens rising faster than major corporations can pump out chemical laden fast food, I feel that mankind will eventually reach a point that we will run out of food to eat and start to consume each other for survival in a violent manner. The part of this that is most concerning is that with all the preservatives we have ingested as a society for years or even a lifetime I think this will slow the decomposition rate of a human body so that the “shelf life” of a ZOMBIE might double or even triple before it actually falls apart into a pile that it no longer a threat.
“BA DA PA DA DA…. IM LOVING IT”
I have a question for all of you, when the apocalypse starts and things are in full swing and it’s crazy time in your neighborhood do you seize the opportunity to make things even with that jerk of a neighbor? I say take the high road and let it go and worry about survival. I am positive that scores will be settled when witnesses are few and far between, how easy would it be to chalk up a crime scene to a random ZOMBIE attack? Remember that 90 year old lady across the street that is always so nice she has even baked you and your family cookies in the past, but remember when she’s hungry and resources are scarce don’t fall for the old lady in a moo moo has fallen and can’t get up story, she will probably be waiting with an old school Dirty Harry .44 and as you roll her over to help she politely says” Thanks for making my day now give me your food bitch”. I say avoid conflict with others, mind your own business and keep a low profile…Always look out for numero uno.
BUDDHA CAN’T HELP YOU….HE NEEDS TO EAT TOO!
After a few weeks of the ZOMBIE apocalypse I assume things will settle down, all the lazy weak people will be gone or possibly part of the problem. The only survivors will be fit, lean BAD ASSES ready to take on any situation the end of the world can throw at them. I know when things get crazy humor and friendly competition will always bring the moral of your crew up, also this will prove that they can accomplish tasks at a high level of competence and dexterity. When the apocalypse happens I will make it mandatory that every Sunday we all head out and play a little game named “Call Your Shot” This game is easy you just call your kill move, or have one called for you, and execute it on a ZOMBIE with the precision of a sushi chef. I will give you a couple examples to let you know exactly how this works. I might call out “Ringing the Bells” this will only work with a male Zombie, this is where you have a running start and slide through the legs of the ZOMBIE and throw your elbow into his nuts causing an involuntary wince and knee buckle, after you clear the legs you pull a spin move rising removing the head with one clean sweep of your machete stating that “QuaziModo is a punk”. If that won’t work for you I highly recommend the “Bill Clinton” this only works with female ZOMBIES with large cleavage, this is where you run up to her with a creepy smile, grab both breasts and rotate to the rear end for a quick smack to the rump and finally put here down to rest with whatever method you choose. I think I will expand on this subject more in the coming months, but I feel you get spirit of the game. If you have any suggestions on kill move names please let me know. I believe we will have plenty of time to play in the he near future.
NO MATTER WHAT, YOU NEED TO LOOK COOL DOING YOUR MOVE..