Posts Tagged ‘Zombie’

Day 59

Posted: December 11, 2013 in Zombie Days
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images23FJKRJVWould you rather be trapped in a small room with 20 ravenous walkers or your significant other who is menstruating during the apocalypse? I personally will roll the dice splitting ZOMBIE heads and see what happens. I strongly suggest that you stash a few boxes Midol and a couple chocolate bars for when the Shit hits the fan. The emotional wellbeing of most women will be psychotic at best, and to add the stress of not being able to shop and slug iced lattes will only compound the crisis at hand. Knowing this you should always make sure…

  1. You have two exits available for either your crazy woman or a ZOMBIE breach.
  2. Ear plugs may get you through the short term saying “honey I can’t think when the walkers are moaning outside” this tactic will only work for a short time before she catches on, and rest assured you will pay for it.
  3. Never stare at scantily clad female ZOMBIES when plotting an exit as she knows you are considering a sexual experience if you look for more than 5 seconds.
  4. Always remember to hold her tight and hug her regardless of neck exposure and the possibility of her biting your neck.

In short you need to always be considerate of your wife and her needs especially during the apocalypse it might just keep you alive a little longer.

SOMETIMES A SAUSAGE FESTIVAL IS NOT A BAD THING

ChavezBreaking News: The decision was made by local Venezuelan officials to inject Hugo Chavez with a ZOMBIE virus. Mr. Chavez is now the first leader of a Nation that is an actual ZOMBIE, the decision was difficult but reports suggest the majority of the nation would rather have a flesh eating Chavez in charge protecting Venezuela rather a sane democratically elected official that only skims on average .5% of the gross fuel sales a year to a “retirement fund”.

Hugo Chavez now that he is a ZOMBIE his blood thirsty appetite has him killing and eating only one citizen per day, and sometimes two on the weekend. That’s a Venezuelan savings of almost +3 a day from his average citizen killing from a year ago. This should cause a mini baby boom in Venezuela, and all things seem to be back to normal on the bread lines.

WE CAN EXPECT ‘THE CHAVEZ EFFECT” TO BENEFIT MLB ROSTERS OVER THE NEXT 10-15 YEARS

Day 55

Posted: February 20, 2013 in Zombie Days
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horse Many food manufactures in the U.K. have now accidently mixed ZOMBIE remains in with the horse meat that they are selling to schools and fast food restaurants. This has inspired a growing concern for the public health of the world, not only is it disgusting to eat horse meat, but now people face turning into ZOMBIES because of that uncontrollable craving of low-grade red meat. The U.K. Health Minister is now issuing a statement that both middle and high class citizens are urged to employ all lower class citizens to taste test food before consumption, this has lowered unemployment in the U.K to an astonishing 0.1%, and has almost eradicated the need for social programs because of the basic requirement of life to collect Welfare.

I THINK THE BURGER I ATE LAST NIGHT HAD HORSE MEAT IN IT BECAUSE IT GAVE ME THE TROTS.

Z60The Government has recently allocated several million in advertising and funds to sponsor the Z 60 program. It is my understanding that they recommend that both children and adults train for 60 minutes a day on killing ZOMBIES. This will not only help fight the obesity epidemic in America, but will allow for us as a nation to be prepared for any such outbreak. So be on the lookout in the mail for your vouchers to claim a machete and gas mask, compliments of good old Uncle Sam. The mandatory Z- Defense courses should start this spring down at the local Y, and if you are physically unable to participate (PUP) they have decided to move such people to the Z-CHUM camps, or the Z-BAIT stations. All necessary pamphlets and information will be included when you receive the voucher packet.

BREAKING NEWS: MR. RICHARD SIMMONS WILL BE THE SPOKESPERSON FOR Z 60

Day 53

Posted: January 10, 2013 in Zombie Days
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AlaskaI have a fascination with Alaska and I watch almost every show related to it. I think the everyday culture of up north living will translate well when the apocalypse starts. I have noticed how the rural Alaskan culture survives in a manner that most of us in the lower 48 would have a hard time adjusting to. For instance, if you want electricity you will need one or a combination of the following energy sources: a generator, solar panels, or a wind turbine.  I say good luck with the solar option when you have several feet of snow and you will never have enough fuel to keep the generator going through the winter with the noise probably able to drive a sane man crazy!  A smaller homestead size wind turbine and a huge load of fire wood are your best options. A fresh water source will be key. If you lock these items and location down you can bag some large game in the fall, fish in the summer, chop a little wood and crawl into bed with the wife for the winter and wait for the thaw, and the ZOMBIE mess to blow over.

IF YOU CAN SURVIVE AN ALASKAN WINTER, ZOMBIES ARE EASY.

Day 52

Posted: January 8, 2013 in Zombie Days
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zombieWhere do morals fit in during the apocalypse? First of all if you are trying to stay alive avoiding ZOMBIES, and trying to keep from getting killed by your fellow man along with basic survival how exactly do you balance this? My opinion is trust only the members of your group unless absolutely necessary taking in strays might end up getting you or your whole group killed. I suggest that you do your best to avoid conflict at all costs and don’t attract attention. This means you will need to keep the polished spinner rims off your Hummer, and the radio needs to be at a reasonable level when on a supply run. When resources get lean you might need to adjust your “moral compass” and take things by force when it is needed. The stray person that needs help might stab you in the back for a can of beans and a few common items.

NEVER FEED A STRAY THEY WONT GO AWAY.

Day 51

Posted: November 26, 2012 in Zombie Days
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Try to keep track of all major Holidays so you can celebrate and maintain a level of normalcy when the Apocalypse is in full swing. I strongly suggest that you take the time to decorate your shelter for each holiday so that you can get the group together to sing songs or play games. Alcohol needs to be implemented into this scenario so that you can take the edge off your day, after a few double shifts of splitting ZOMBIE heads you will need to sit back and sip on a glass of spirits to take the edge off. I would recommend that you skip my favorite holiday Halloween due to the confusion that might take place with inappropriate costumes, and accidental deaths just like Bill Murray in ZOMBIELAND.

“TIS THE SEASON TO SPLAT ZOMBIES FA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA ”

Mitt Romney just made a public statement today that he is adamantly against ZOMBIES in America, and as for the opposition I understand that he leaning strongly for the integration of ZOMBIES into the American work force to help limit the expense of costly health care that would be forced on the employer. It has been explained to me that Obama has a long term plan to replace at a minimum 22.4% of the middleclass work force with ZOMBIES if he is re-elected. This in his opinion will actually strengthen large companies such as GM, Chrysler, or Ford and will allow for them to cut costs like payroll. I can only assume that Union rules will not apply to the ZOMBIE workforce, I have recently heard one of the UAW Locals is pushing to start a chapter but all the representatives keep getting bitten while taking  naps and drinking beer on the mandatory 20 minute break every hour, so progress has been slowed on that front.

REMEMBER WHEN ILLEGAL ALIENS WERE A BIG DEAL IN THE U.S.A.?

 I know when ZOMBIES take over this great nation and chaos ensues, we will be safe and sound in Michigan. We the people of Michigan have a savior that will be leading the charge crushing everything in his path with his bare hands and raw aggression. This man will no longer have a undersized man wearing a Footlocker uniform holding him back, and finally he can kick the legs off of anything in his path. This man, the angry beast is known as SUH!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t think of a better person to lead the charge striking fear into the eyes of the undead. I will go as far to say Chuck Norris doesn’t hold a candle to raw power this man can unleash. I can only assume that ZOMBIES will turn on themselves at first sight of him, or run in fear to seek feeble soft targets like Chicago Bears fans.

YOUR FANTASY TEAM IS TRASH WITHOUT SUH STAKING UP THE SACKS

 In the near future when everybody in your crew is apocalyptic fit, you know when they look super lean and mean and they have the experience necessary to back you up and are ready to take on hundreds of ZOMBIES at a moment’ s notice just like hard Marines straight out of boot camp. I expect that sometime during all the fighting and carnage eventually someone’s going to get nicked by a ZOMBIE and potentially put the entire crew at risk if not dispatched accordingly. If it were me that got nicked I will argue the “MAGIC JOHNSON APOCOLYPTIC ANGLE” you can say the M.J.A.A. for short. Remember that Magic had HIV and he beat it down fair and square, it appears he is 100% clear and has a clean bill of health. Try to remember this before you do anything hastily like eliminate a quality member. The team has a couple options to consider, they can let the transition from human to ZOMBIE time frame happen in a controlled environment like being handcuffed to a radiator while they wait and see. You never know if you will have the MAGIC “J” DNA and be the key to the survival of the human race. Or you can just spray his brain matter first hint of being infected.

HIV NEVER LOOKED SO POSITIVE WITH MAGIC AS THE FACE